Thomas J. Leonard's Relationship Boundaries (circa 1999), viz by Claude Opus 4 (2025)
1. Most of us have a boundary we've set called "no hitting." Regardless of the provocation or the "weakness" of the other person, hitting us is just not okay. No matter what. (And as you know, some people have not yet established this boundary.)
2. The next "upgrade" of this boundary is "no screaming or yelling at me, regardless." Do you have this one yet? If so, congratulations. If not, you should, for your integrity's sake.
3. Next is the "no digs or cracks" boundary. This means that the other person cannot belittle, criticize, make fun of or make cracks or jokes about you or what you're doing. Period. That's period. (Cracks and digs are not humor; they are always a form of "acceptable" anger. No more!)
4. Next is the "no upset" rule. This gets a little tougher because you're now letting the other person know that they can't be upset with you. Wow. Isn't that controlling? you might ask. It could be, but not in this context. What you're doing here is letting people know that you are not the kind of person who will knowingly or deliberately harm another. And given this, it's simply not okay for the other person to assume that you did something hurtful, thus allowing them to feel justified in being upset with you. (Now, if you did do something hurtful, and it was deliberate, this does not apply.)
5. Finally, welcome to the "unconditionally constructive" boundary. This means that you expect those in your life to always be honest, yet supportive and to cast what they say in a positive light. That is, to use language that forwards you always, vs tripping you. This level takes practice, so work with your family and friends until you are both satisfied.
- TJL, ~1999
UNCONDITIONALLY
CONSTRUCTIVE
CONSTRUCTIVE
Click on each ring to see details
Examples? Let's take a look at anger.
1. Most of us have a boundary we've set called "no hitting." Regardless of the provocation or the "weakness" of the other person, hitting us is just not okay. No matter what. (And as you know, some people have not yet established this boundary.)
2. The next "upgrade" of this boundary is "no screaming or yelling at me, regardless." Do you have this one yet? If so, congratulations. If not, you should, for your integrity's sake.
3. Next is the "no digs or cracks" boundary. This means that the other person cannot belittle, criticize, make fun of or make cracks or jokes about you or what you're doing. Period. That's period. (Cracks and digs are not humor; they are always a form of "acceptable" anger. No more!)
4. Next is the "no upset" rule. This gets a little tougher because you're now letting the other person know that they can't be upset with you. Wow. Isn't that controlling? you might ask. It could be, but not in this context. What you're doing here is letting people know that you are not the kind of person who will knowingly or deliberately harm another. And given this, it's simply not okay for the other person to assume that you did something hurtful, thus allowing them to feel justified in being upset with you. (Now, if you did do something hurtful, and it was deliberate, this does not apply.)
5. Finally, welcome to the "unconditionally constructive" boundary. This means that you expect those in your life to always be honest, yet supportive and to cast what they say in a positive light. That is, to use language that forwards you always, vs tripping you. This level takes practice, so work with your family and friends until you are both satisfied.
- TJL, ~1999